I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
