Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
