She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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