rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
