its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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