yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm having to shit out rocks
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
