he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
