you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
