so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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