david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
