I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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