best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
