Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
