We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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