the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize