Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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