the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize