I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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