she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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