I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
