Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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