saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
