My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
