yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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