$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
