I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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