I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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