: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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