I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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