Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
