i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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