We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
