yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
