make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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