we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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