I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize