Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
