She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
