Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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