Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
