the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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