i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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