I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
