Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
