I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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