Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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