I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
