Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
