bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
