He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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