So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
