every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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