The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
